Afterplay: the best part of sex

by Richard Wilson

"I sing you to sleep, after the lovin'..." Engelbert sings his partner to sleep after the loving. But most of us (especially men) just roll over and go to sleep. What a shame. We--and our partners--are missing out on "afterplay," a very enjoyable part of sex.

The sex act can be divided into three components: foreplay, intercourse, and afterplay.

Foreplay, about which volumes have been written, is the traditional lead-in to intercourse itself. Foreplay can last from minutes to hours, is limited primarily by imagination and creativity, and includes all activities that stimulate the sexual appetite for intercourse.

Intercourse itself is what most people consider the pleasure of sex. However, what happens after intercourse can be just as meaningful emotionally and pleasurable physically. This postcoital activity is known as "afterplay".

Unfortunately, little has been written about afterplay. The definitive work on the subject is Afterplay:The Key to Intimacy by James Halpern and Mark A. Sherman. In their study of 264 American men and women, they found that most people fall asleep within one hour after sex. They also found that men and women want the same things in afterplay, and that most members of both sexes are not completely satisfied with their current afterplay. Also of note was the fact that the duration of postcoital touching was strongly correlated with how satisfied both men and women felt about their relationships.

Why it\s a secret to most

Why is there such a lack of afterplay and lack of satisfaction with afterplay? Two reasons: fatigue and ignorance. Fatigue occurs because orgasm is a parasympathetic nervous response, which means that it causes a deep feeling of relaxation. Sleep readily ensues, especially for the male. According to Nik Douglas and Penny Slinger in their book Sexual Secrets, Eastern philosophy has a poetic explanation for why men fall asleep faster than women. Woman is likened to water-- "slow to come to a boil and slow to cool down afterward." Man is equated to fire, in that he is "quickly ignited and speedily extinguished."

Masters and Johnson recognized a physiologic basis for these gender differences. Women take longer physiologically to come down from sex than men do. Men's heartbeat and breathing return to normal much more quickly, not to mention their obvious rapid loss of erection. Women's bodies remain in that plateau after orgasm much longer.

Ignorance of afterplay is common. Many people simply don't realize that intimate ambiance can continue after orgasm.

Some universal perspectives on how to enjoy it

How should you afterplay? That depends on you as a couple. Many people prefer cuddling and snuggling. Hair brushing, back scratching, massaging, and caressing are also popular. Just lying together, savoring the touch, sight, smell, and taste of each other can bring intense emotional satisfaction and ready lovers for another shared intimacy. To quote the fourth century Sanskrit love manual, the Kama Sutra, "When a woman is tired, she should place her forehead on that of her lover and should take rest, without disturbing the union of their sex organs. When she has rested herself, the man should turn around and begin to make love with her again. If lovers spend time playing and caressing each other at the end of their loving, then their ecstasy and confidence increase. Love-play enhances pleasure."

Whatever you do in afterplay should be fun. After all, afterplay is play. According to sex therapist Dr. Shirley Zussman, "Sex should be fun, not a performance. In fact, the Eskimos (Inuits) call sex the "laughing time."

Dr. Michael Seiler emphasizes that couples' afterplay should include some of the things that they enjoy and that brought them together in the first place, such as a bubble bath, sharing a glass of wine, or listening to music. Romantic, intimate conversation during afterplay can enhance the emotional aspects of sex and strengthen the bonds of the relationship, as can sharing an intimate laugh or joke.

Afterplay do\s and don\ts

It is important to remember that the time immediately after intercourse is a time of great vulnerability. If the intercourse is fast, furious, and unfulfilling, the partners--especially the woman--may feel what Douglas and Slinger refer to as "postcoital depression." This feeling of emptiness and resentment can be lessened by effective afterplay, especially with reassurance, embracing, and cuddling. If there was difficulty during sex, the ensuing awkwardness or embarassment can also be relieved by good afterplay.

In his book Secrets of Better Sex, Dr. Joel Block provides five "do's and don'ts " for enjoying afterplay

  • Don't use afterplay as a "sexual postmortem."
  • Don't air sexual grievances or complaints.
  • Do use this intimate time to express sexual feelings, thoughts, and desires that you've not previously shared.
  • Don't discuss problems with your job, your finances, or your children.
  • Do cuddle and caress for at least five minutes.
  • Do say "I love you'."

Want to prolong afterplay? Halpern and Sherman strongly suggest that you avoid the following: jumping up to "wash off," turning on the television, making phone calls, criticizing your partner's performance, or making comparisons to previous partners.

Another important consideration regarding afterplay is the timing of sex. If you usually have sex at night, your fatigue, in combination with the parasympathetic response of orgasm will reduce your energy for afterplay. Why not consider sex at different times of the day? Early morning sex is a great way to start the day, and "afternoon delight" is just that. That extra burst of energy may just allow you more room for dessert!