February 5, 1999
The discovery of a chronic, sexually-transmitted disease like herpes or HPV
invokes fear about the end of relationships and sexual intimacy. However, rest
assured. There is love after STDs.
When one partner in a relationship is diagnosed with a chronic STD, the couple's
world is immediately thrown into turmoil. But with commitment and communication,
issues like telling a partner, restoring trust, and making love again are not
insurmountable.
Many couples find it hard enough to share an apartment, the bathroom, or even
Internet access. Just dealing with small, unimportant, day-to-day issues can
cause squabbles. So imagine the serious compromises that arise when one partner
in a romantic relationship is diagnosed with a chronic STD, and the other
partner must—emotionally and perhaps physically—"share" it. The person diagnosed
wonders, "How am I going to tell my partner?," while both partners may ask
themselves "Who gave this to whom?" and "How is this going to change our sex
life?"
While the discovery of herpes or human papillomavirus (HPV) prompts difficult
questions, a couple can endure. Psychologist and marriage and family therapist
Joy Davidson, Ph.D. affirms, "If the relationship is strong enough and you
choose to go forward, you can weather it. It's not a pretty picture, but it's
reality." Like any crisis that a couple struggles to survive, one key to pulling
through a diagnosis of STD is the "C" word—communication.
Telling your partner
Some people choose not to confess their newly diagnosed STD status to their
partners. But they may be missing out on the best support available. At least
one study has shown that lovers—compared with friends and counselors—can be the
best sources of emotional support for people who have herpes.
Psychologist and sex therapist Jill W. Bly, Ph.D. observes that people who feel
compelled to tell "are generally better partners overall because they have a
better sense of the ethics that you need to have in order to have an intimate
relationship—truthfulness, willingness to be open, and sharing."
For those who wisely choose to communicate, the experts give great advice on how
to share this sensitive information as gracefully as possible.
- Have the facts on hand, in order to allay myths and fears about the
disease. Certified sex educator Jan Swanson, RN says that in the herpes
studies she conducted, "Some people took a real interest in educating their
partners, and that's important."
- Realize that an anxious delivery may make the condition sound worse than
it is. In his book Managing Herpes, American Social Health Association
affiliate Charles Ebel cautions, "Try to be calm and confident."
- Don't blurt it out in the midst of passion. Swanson says that confessions
should take place "in an emotionally neutral environment, like around the
kitchen table."
Be sure a new partner is ready to listen. Bly says that "the best thing for
people to do is to get to know the new partner first." When telling a new
partner, Davidson warns, "You have to be prepared that a partner will say "I
don't want to get involved." That can be painful. It's a form of rejection that
is personal, yet impersonal. People make choices about who they want to get
involved with for a zillion reasons, and every one of those choices is valid."
The trust issue
For a couple in a long-term relationship, a diagnosis of STD poses other
problems, one of which is mistrust. Either partner may suspect the other of
contracting the STD while having sex outside the relationship. However, it's
important to keep in mind that both HPV and herpes can lay dormant for years,
producing no symptoms at all. Both conditions may be the remnants of long-past
relationships.
Davidson advises that the most important questions one partner should ask the
other about the STD is "who, where, how and when? If that question is answered
satisfactorily, then I think there's a period of initial shock and adjustment.
That's normal, along with some anger." Couples then choose their own routes to
dealing with the diagnosis, including talking about it "ad nauseum," if
necessary, and listening to each other's feelings. "If they don't know how to do
that on their own," she adds, "then I absolutely suggest counseling."
Intimacy with STDs
After braving confessions and possible accusations, a couple should be well-
prepared to deal with the issue of intimacy. How do two partners make love when
one of them has an STD? Sex should be safe, but that doesn't mean boring. After
all, the body is large and the genitals make up only a small, albeit very
sensitive, part of the whole.
As Davidson says, "The upside, shall we say, of having a chronic STD is that if
you allow it to, it can propel you into exploring new and incredibly exciting
ways of developing eroticism with your partner."
Some of these exciting ways, Davidson suggests, are role-playing and verbally
sharing fantasies. Other safe, pleasurable possibilities include toy play,
erotic massage and latex barriers doused in flavored lubricants.
The condom conundrum
Even if the sex is brimming with creativity and eroticism, there may come a
time in a monogamous couple's relationship when both partners wonder, "Will we
ever lose the condoms?"
For many, visions of monogamy don't always include condoms. If a couple wants to
conceive, they may want to say good-bye to the barriers. But when is a good time
to make that decision, and what questions should the person who is STD-free ask
him or herself?
"The ‘hard questions'," Davidson says, including:
- Do I have all the medical information necessary to make this decision?
- Do I know what the risk factors are?
- Can I do this without thinking about it all the time, so that I can relax
and enjoy intimacy with my partner?
- If I contract the STD, can I live with it without blaming my partner?
Bly recommends that the partner ask perhaps the hardest question of all. "How
certain am I that this relationship is going to last? Encouraging some further
soul-searching, she wisely advises, "You have to be willing to deal with the
disease, even without your partner, before you make the choice."