Sun
19
Apr
The four C\'s of being a good divorced dad
by Cynthia Myers
Part time dads "The toughest thing about being a divorced father is not knowing what the kids are doing each day," says Mike, 39, the father of a 15-year-old daughter and 11-year-old son, "not being a part of their lives, not seeing them every day and talking to them face to face."
With an estimated 9.8 million non-custodial fathers in the United States, many men share Mike's concerns. Fortunately, divorcing your children's mother does not mean giving up a close relationship with your children. Even though you may not see your children on a daily basis, you can remain an important, vital part of their lives, by concentrating on a few key areas.
Part time dads "The toughest thing about being a divorced father is not knowing what the kids are doing each day," says Mike, 39, the father of a 15-year-old daughter and 11-year-old son, "not being a part of their lives, not seeing them every day and talking to them face to face."
With an estimated 9.8 million non-custodial fathers in the United States, many men share Mike's concerns. Fortunately, divorcing your children's mother does not mean giving up a close relationship with your children. Even though you may not see your children on a daily basis, you can remain an important, vital part of their lives, by concentrating on a few key areas.
Consistency
Children crave consistency. The best parents, whether married or divorced, provide consistency by doing what they say they will do, and following through on their promises. Fathers can be consistent by:
"We asked kids how often their fathers remembered holidays and special days and found that this was almost as important as visitation in making children feel close to their fathers," Buchanan says. "So I'd say fathers should make sure they know what their child's special days are and do something to acknowledge them."
- Showing up for visitation on time
- Keeping up with child support payments
- Calling at regular times
- Remembering birthdays and other special occasions
"We asked kids how often their fathers remembered holidays and special days and found that this was almost as important as visitation in making children feel close to their fathers," Buchanan says. "So I'd say fathers should make sure they know what their child's special days are and do something to acknowledge them."
Control
Divorced fathers whose children don't live with them full-time are forced to give up some control over how their children are raised. This can be difficult and frustrating.
"I disagree with quite a few things about how my ex handles her life with the kids," Mike admits. He has had to put aside his own feelings in the best interests of his children. "The kids will probably never know how much pain I have gone through or how disappointed I am in their mom's behavior all these years," he says. "And you know what? My disappointment isn't the issue. I see them enjoying life, and that's what it's all about. Their welfare is more important than my ego."
Instead of mourning the control you've lost, Dr. Ken Canfield, author of The 7 Secrets of Effective Fathers, advises focusing on the things you can control—your own behavior, especially your behavior toward your children's mother. If you can't be friends, at least be civil, and don't say negative things about your ex-wife to your children. They love you both and having an adversarial relationship puts them in the middle, an intolerable position for any child.
"We found that kids felt less close to the parent when the parent did anything to foster loyalty conflicts," Buchanan says. "Especially damaging were issues like the father disparaging the mother, asking the child to spy on the mother, asking questions about whether or not the mother was dating, or how she spent the child support money. That feeling of being caught between their parents may make kids feel more distant, less able to confide in their parents, or that they have to protect their parents."
"I disagree with quite a few things about how my ex handles her life with the kids," Mike admits. He has had to put aside his own feelings in the best interests of his children. "The kids will probably never know how much pain I have gone through or how disappointed I am in their mom's behavior all these years," he says. "And you know what? My disappointment isn't the issue. I see them enjoying life, and that's what it's all about. Their welfare is more important than my ego."
Instead of mourning the control you've lost, Dr. Ken Canfield, author of The 7 Secrets of Effective Fathers, advises focusing on the things you can control—your own behavior, especially your behavior toward your children's mother. If you can't be friends, at least be civil, and don't say negative things about your ex-wife to your children. They love you both and having an adversarial relationship puts them in the middle, an intolerable position for any child.
"We found that kids felt less close to the parent when the parent did anything to foster loyalty conflicts," Buchanan says. "Especially damaging were issues like the father disparaging the mother, asking the child to spy on the mother, asking questions about whether or not the mother was dating, or how she spent the child support money. That feeling of being caught between their parents may make kids feel more distant, less able to confide in their parents, or that they have to protect their parents."
Communication
Any relationship relies on good communication to flourish. When you can't see your children, turn to the telephone and email. Dr. Canfield suggests thinking of questions in advance to ask your children. It might even be helpful to keep a list of things as they occur to you during the week. Try to choose questions that require more than a yes or no answer. Ask for details of their science project. Ask them to describe the most interesting thing they saw on a field trip, or to tell you about their favorite thing they did that day.
Consider getting together with your children on neutral ground such as at school and sports events. "I call my kids often," Mike says. "I have lunch with my son every once in a while at school. I go to their sports practices and competitions even if it's not 'my' day."
Let your children know what goes on in your life when they're not around. Talk about shared interests, whether it's hobbies, sports, books or television shows.
Don't be afraid to ask your children about their feelings, either. Ask them how they feel about the divorce and reciprocate by revealing some of your own emotions. You might let them know you miss them and that having them visit is a high point in your week. And most important of all, listen to what they have to say. "I tend to allow them lots of freedom to talk about anything they want to talk about when they are with me," Mike says. "I prefer to hear the bad stuff from them now rather than finding out later, after unnecessary damage is done."
Consider getting together with your children on neutral ground such as at school and sports events. "I call my kids often," Mike says. "I have lunch with my son every once in a while at school. I go to their sports practices and competitions even if it's not 'my' day."
Let your children know what goes on in your life when they're not around. Talk about shared interests, whether it's hobbies, sports, books or television shows.
Don't be afraid to ask your children about their feelings, either. Ask them how they feel about the divorce and reciprocate by revealing some of your own emotions. You might let them know you miss them and that having them visit is a high point in your week. And most important of all, listen to what they have to say. "I tend to allow them lots of freedom to talk about anything they want to talk about when they are with me," Mike says. "I prefer to hear the bad stuff from them now rather than finding out later, after unnecessary damage is done."
Commitment
Being a successful divorced dad requires extra effort. You may have to rearrange your schedule around visitation, go out of your way to get to know their teachers and friends, or even endure physical discomfort. For the first 22 months after his divorce, Mike slept on the floor of his one-bedroom apartment whenever his children visited.
"My advice would be for men to invest as much time as possible doing things with their kids," Mike says. "That might mean seeing them at lunch on the days they are not allowed to have them. Coach their teams, be a scout leader, go to all parent teacher conferences—whatever it takes to maintain as much physical and emotional bonding as possible."
"Every divorce is different and some really involved fathers might spend every other weekend and one night a week with their children, while others might only see them once a month or in the summer, due to distances, schedules or whatever," Buchanan says. "Among the teenagers we talked to, even relatively small amounts of visitation helped them sustain close relationships with their fathers."
Buchanan found that regardless of their circumstances, the children she studied who felt closest to their fathers were kids whose fathers made an effort to demonstrate their love. "What these teens benefited from was knowing that their fathers cared about them," Buchanan says. "That could be demonstrated by remembering special days, by spending time with them, or by phone calls. Just knowing that dad cared helped the children feel close to them."
"My advice would be for men to invest as much time as possible doing things with their kids," Mike says. "That might mean seeing them at lunch on the days they are not allowed to have them. Coach their teams, be a scout leader, go to all parent teacher conferences—whatever it takes to maintain as much physical and emotional bonding as possible."
"Every divorce is different and some really involved fathers might spend every other weekend and one night a week with their children, while others might only see them once a month or in the summer, due to distances, schedules or whatever," Buchanan says. "Among the teenagers we talked to, even relatively small amounts of visitation helped them sustain close relationships with their fathers."
Buchanan found that regardless of their circumstances, the children she studied who felt closest to their fathers were kids whose fathers made an effort to demonstrate their love. "What these teens benefited from was knowing that their fathers cared about them," Buchanan says. "That could be demonstrated by remembering special days, by spending time with them, or by phone calls. Just knowing that dad cared helped the children feel close to them."