Just the right touch: sensual massage

Mixing pleasures

The terms "sensual massage" and "sexual massage" are sometimes used interchangeably, and definitions can overlap. For the most part, sexual massage focuses just on the genitals, whereas sensual massage can include genital massage, but the genital area is not the focus of the massage.

As the body's largest organ, the skin is covered with nerve endings. Therefore, human touch is inherently one of the most potent human sensations humans can give or receive. So, regardless of whether your goal is sensual, sexual, or both, massage can evoke a powerful response, and will often lead to heightened levels of intimacy and pleasure.

But no matter how appealing the combination of sex and sensual massage, it can't be forced. "It's a common mistake for people to view sensual massage as a sort of sexual ammunition," says Gordon Inkeles, long-time massage guru and author of The New Sensual Massage: Learn to Give Pleasure With Your Hands (see Resources section below).

If a sexual connection doesn't exist before a sensual massage, putting your hands on another person's body won't lead to fireworks, explains Inkeles. "But if the connection is there, sensual massage can be an aphrodisiac." Sensual massage can be erotic or can be for pleasure and relaxation; it depends on who you massage and the setting.

A matter of time

With each deliberately slow, rhythmic stroke, sensual massage prolongs the entire love-making process. And it can be learned quickly. "People don't really need help making love to each other," says Inkeles. "They need help being with each other, spending time and discovering the body. That's where massage can be a wonderful thing in a romantic setting."

Massage helps couples to slow down and take the time to explore each other's body in new ways. "Sometimes when people have been together a long time, they end up relating to only 5 or 10% of each other's body?the so-called erogenous zones. They may have never touched the back of each other's knees, the toes, the back of the arms, or parts of the back" says Inkeles. "There's a vast sensual canvas that hasn't been painted on."

"Good sex is not just sexual intercourse," explains Anne Hooper, sex therapist, relationship counselor and author of Anne Hooper's Ultimate Sexual Touch (see Resources section below). "Good sex is about a wonderful sensual buildup?the touching, the hands-on stroking, the caressing. It's about a buildup of both sensual arousal and intimacy." Sensual massage invites both verbal and sensory communication.

How do you get started?

With your lover lying face down, straddle him or her or kneel at his or her side. Gently press down on your partner's shoulders, and on either side of the spine. This gives your partner a few moments to get used to the feeling of your hands on his or her skin.

Now begin to warm your lover's back. Using a flat hand palm down, put your fingers together and move the hands in parallel lines up either side of the spine, then out and across the shoulders, and down the sides of the torso. Use your fingers to knead the muscles of the back, starting with the neck and shoulders and working your way down. Use oil as necessary.

Keeping your fingers somewhat stiff, rake them down your lover's back?from the shoulders all the way down to the buttocks. This releases deep, underlying tissue tensions.

Move down the back and lightly massage the lower back just above the buttocks, and then move down to the hips and the buttocks themselves. Start at the top of the crack between the buttocks and use your thumbs to make small spirals upwards along either side of the tailbone. Then press your thumbs along the top of the hips and move them out and down the side of the body.

Women seem to enjoy an alternative type of massage. Ask her to lie face up and kneel behind her.Press down on her shoulders and hold. Have her take a deep, relaxing breath. Add a bit more oil and increase the pressure of your hands. As she exhales, release your hands. Slide your hands up and over her collarbone, and press very gently. As she takes a deep breath, release your hands again. Move your hands between her breasts and press very gently. Have your partner take a deep breath. As she exhales, release your hands. Remember that women?and some men, too?have sensitive breasts that may become very aroused when massaged or caressed.

Massage tips

Experiment and take your time. Prolong the experience with slow, lingering, rhythmic circling motions, kneading, rubbing, finger-walking, drumming, or long strokes (for different kinds of strokes, see Resources section below). Massages can last from 20 to 90 minutes, but whatever you choose, don't rush.

Use oil. Use oil (preferably in a flip-top plastic bottle) so skin won't pull during massage. Warm in a bowl of hot water and always add first to your own hands and then to the body. Use enough to cover the palms without dripping and extra for dry or hair-covered skin. Although pricey, exotic oils add to the adventure of massage, but ordinary safflower oil with a bit lemon juice offers a refreshing, inexpensive alternative.

Keep continual contact. Even when changing positions or adding oil, try not to break contact when giving a massage. You can accomplish this by laying one hand on the skin surface and pouring oil into your hand with the other.

Use repetition. If you find something your partner enjoys, repeat a stroke 50 to 100 times.

Engage all parts of the body. Remember, anything goes. From head to toes, strokes should be symmetrical. If you massage the left side, massage the right. Avoid random leaps around the body as it tends to jar your partner and break the mood.

Use more than just your hands. Use all the parts of your hands, including fingertips, nails, thumbs, palm, heel and knuckles and even your forearms. For more pressure, lean with your whole body. For more erotic massage, in addition to hands, use lips, tongue, your breath and the whole body.

Pay attention. Learn what works. Listen with your hands and watch for signs of pleasure, like a small smile or a sigh. Encourage your partner to tell you what feels good.

Get comfortable. Wear comfortable clothing. Although not required, nudity allows for long, continuous strokes and for warm skin-to-skin contact.

Adjust the temperature. The room should be at least 70 degrees. When the room is colder than that, most people receiving a massage can't really relax.

Limit conversation. While relaxing background music or sounds of the ocean can add to the experience, conversation serves as a distraction. "Although a few words at the beginning can set the mood, conversation takes the mind away from the body," says Inkeles.