Let's talk about sex (and STDs)

Talking about STDs

So how do you broach the subject of STDs? It may be easier than you imagine. Myles reports that many people find it a relief when their partner brings up the subject since it's a concern for any responsible person. It shows that you care about your own health and your partner's.

Myles recommends the self-disclosure approach: tell your partner how you feel about STDs and your experiences. You might say something like "It's gotten very complicated to be close to people these days. I feel really concerned about it so I've gotten tested for AIDS and other STDs. What do you think about it? What have you done?" Or you could comment that you find it scary that people on TV and movies still seem to be jumping into bed without using protection and ask your date what he or she thinks.

How your date responds is a telling indicator of what sort of person he or she is. If he has a tough time with self-revelation and being honest and straightforward, you can be sure that's the way the relationship will continue, says Myles. You have valuable information to help you decide if you want to be with that person because "people tell us a lot in the first ten minutes we know them," she warns.

If your date indicates that she isn't being responsible in regard to STDs, "you don't want to be with her. That's the bottom line, because the stakes are much too high," says Myles. Even if a partner assures you that she is careful, you can't depend on that; you don't know her partners' sexual histories. The most prudent solution is for both partners to get tested for AIDS and STDs before becoming intimate. Testing is readily available through your doctor or at clinics; you can choose to get an anonymous AIDS test if confidentiality is a concern. You should also be tested for herpes, chlamydia, gonorrhea, human papilloma virus (HPV), and hepatitis B.

Practicing "safer sex"

Even when we know better, we may still succumb to temptation and jump into bed with someone we don't know well. In that case, you should absolutely practice what Myles calls "safer sex," since any exchange of bodily fluids is not entirely safe. Using a condom properly can prevent against HIV, herpes (if no sores are present) and other STDs. Men should remove the condom in a way that it prevents fluids from touching their partner.

Since genital herpes may include sores on the genitals, andHPV produces genital warts, both of these infections can be spread when the infected skin in the genital area of one partner rubs against the skin of the other partner; therefore condoms may not prevent the spread of infection. Doctors suggest that people with HPV and genital herpes abstain from sex while warts and sores are present and use a condom when symptoms are not present.

It goes without saying that anyone who has HIV or herpes must tell all potential partners. We've all heard of the tragic situations in which people with the HIV virus infect unsuspecting partners.

Talking about personal history

Myles' advice is to share information that will help the new relationship progress. You might want to share information that relates to your current goals and needs, like past difficulties you want to work on. It helps a new partner to know that if you pull away, it's because you get scared, not that you're disinterested.

But be cautious in what you share, advises Myles. "Be real and authentic, but don't feel that you have to 'tell all.' At the beginning of a relationship, people's hearts are very tender and their egos are very tiny. They need a lot of reassurance and stroking. People don't want to hear about other relationships; they want to hear that you're with them and they're the most important thing to you."

As with the discussion about STDs, your partner's reaction to self-disclosure is a barometer of where he or she is at. Everyone has intimacy issues, but if a partner never talks about past experiences or important emotional milestones, then he is clearly not a candidate for emotional intimacy. You have to trust your intuition, advises Myles, and give the person a chance to open up. But not to the point where you are blind to their failings and think you can transform them, as people, particularly women, often do. "We tend to come up with all kinds of excuses to become involved with people we shouldn't, because we're lonely, or because they're nice and they say they want to change," Myles explains. "You've got to go with your instincts."

Opening communication

Perhaps there is a silver lining to the AIDS crisis and STDs. It compels people to open up the lines of communication, which is the foundation of any successful relationship. "The times have forced us all to go deeper into ourselves and go back to the well and figure out who I am and what I want. In the long run, that has to be a good thing," Myles observes.