Midlife dads: Is old ever "too old"?

Built to last

Nature has designed the human species so that human males can become fathers until very old age. Methuselah, for instance, was supposedly 187 when he had a son. In more modern times, actors James Earl Jones, Tony Randall and Anthony Quinn, and former U.S. Secretary of State James Baker are examples of men who have become fathers after their 60th birthdays.

With all that science knows about fitness and nutrition today, 50 has become what 40 used to be. Thus, many more midlife men are marrying women in their 30s. In many cases, those younger wives want to start a family, so the 50-something groom becomes what some sociologists know as a "recycled father"--a man who already has grown children but starts another family with a new mate in his middle years.

Second time around

University of California, Riverside, psychology professor Ross Parke is 61 and has five adult children. He also has an eight-year-old son at home. "Something that is true among virtually all midlife fathers is that at this stage of life, we have more time and patience than when we first became fathers," says Parke, author of Throwaway Dads: The Myths and Barriers That Keep Men from Being the Fathers They Want to Be.

"In my case, when I was in my 20s and had toddlers around the house, I was extremely busy forging my career and traveling to give lectures," he explains. "I just didn't spend that much time with my five children."

Like many men his age, Parke had no real role models from which to learn about involved parenting. When he was a child growing up in the 1940s, nobody expected fathers to be involved in child rearing. It was quite enough for dad to "bring home the bacon" and occasionally lower his newspaper to give his unruly youngsters a stern glance.

But the second time around, recycled fathers are more established, financially secure, and less preoccupied with slaying their personal dragons. Thus, most midlife dads are ready, willing, and able to spend more quality time with their tykes. But this may create some conflict with the grown children.

The first family

"The amount of time spent in childhood with the 'new family' can become a real issue with those fathers' grown children," observes University of Southern California's Constance R. Ahrons, Ph.D., professor of sociology and co-director of the Council on Contemporary Families. "Adult children who see their father spending a lot of time with his young children may rightfully ask, with some jealousy, 'Why didn't I get that type of time and attention when I was that age?'"

Although they may score lower on child tossing and rough-housing, midlife men tend to have decades of experience--albeit from a distance sometimes--on which to draw for raising children the second time around.

Mellowing with age

Dr. William Pollack of the Center for Men at McLean Hospital in Belmont, Mass. observes: "The older the parent, the more nurturing, laid-back, flexible and supportive he is."

Says Parke: "There is an interesting phenomena in the psychology of aging. In general, as women get older, they become more instrumental and task-oriented. As men get older, they become more nurturing. Witness the man who was a stern parent turn into an old softy around his grandkids."

While more midlife men are staying physically fit, they nonetheless experience some decline in energies, engaging in less of the robust activities that youngsters find so delightful.

Adds Parke: "A midlife man's physical energy naturally declines, so he won't enjoy playing with his kids as much as a father in his 20s or 30s. But his intellectual level is still high enough to more than make up for the difference. Midlife fathers will spend more time doing sedentary things with their children that often involve cognitive skills."

Parke, who admits to playing tag with his son every few days--and watching him win--once surveyed 300 fathers in their 20s and 30s and found that as their energy levels declined, they spent less time all around with their children.

"Basically, the essentials of being a good parent are the same, regardless of age: being responsive and nurturing to the child and remaining aware of his or her needs," says Parke. "Being a midlife father is nothing like being a grandparent who drops in and out of the child's life from time to time."

Moving forward

To deal with grown children who might raise their eyebrows about a father who is making the most serious commitment possible with a woman not much older than themselves, Parke says he continues to mix his new family with his old.

"Children have different needs at different ages," he says. "I take my younger child to visit the older ones and help the older ones with their particular problems. Maybe they need a down payment for a car, advice about career or relationship or housing matters. We try to go forward instead of dwelling on what they did not get when they were four or five."

Considering the future

Another not-so-pleasant factor in the new midlife father equation is the point at which a 30-something wife might find herself a widow and her children with no father at all.

"It is immensely complicated to figure when a man might die, which is based on lifestyle and genetics," says Parke. "But any woman in her 30s must face the possibility that the average man who becomes a dad in his middle 50s will face increased odds of mortality around the time the children are in high school or just starting college. So they should work together to make preparations that will ease the way for her and the children."