Misusing sex as punishment or reward

by Daphne Howland

Using sex to get her way is a familiar ploy of sitcom females. She threatens her mate with "the couch" if she doesn't get what she's after. Or she'll make him happy if he does her bidding. Either way, he's at her mercy. In real life, however, using sex as reward or punishment isn't funny.

Power--or powerlessness--is usually what leads people to withhold sex or mete out sex at their discretion. Some may want total control. Others find it's the only sense of control they have. Most times, a withdrawal from sex is only the tip of a problem that is truly an iceberg.

"Power struggles are a normal part of every relationship," says Lonnie Barbach, Ph.D., a San Francisco therapist and co-author of Going the Distance: Finding and Keeping Life-long Love. "But if you feel a lack of sexual desire, it means you've gotten to a secondary stage and it's usually something that needs to be dealt with."

According to the Masters and Johnson Institute in St. Louis, Missouri, one third of couples have problems of inhibited sexual desire, or ISD. Sex is naturally a pleasure, says Institute Director Mark Schwartz, Sc.D. People shouldn't force themselves to feel sexual any more than they should force themselves to enjoy a hot fudge sundae.

"Never 'service' your partner out of a sense of duty or guilt," says Schwartz. It is important for each person's needs to be respected. "All human beings are in a process of growth," he says. "A relationship based on the role of the woman as an object can't last."

In the 19th century, the idea that a woman could refuse to have sex with her husband was a radically feminist concept. Many feminists in the 19th century, in fact, opposed birth control and abortion because they wanted to establish the right of women to abstain from sex even in marriage. Abstinence was still the most effective method of birth control, and abortion wasn't readily available or safe.

But the post-sexual revolution era has provided women with many birth control options, so that most women need not fear pregnancy. And, although the risks of AIDS and other diseases are real, they're usually not paramount for monogamous and married couples. Today, very few people question anyone's right to decline sex, even in marriage. But couples should be aware that when one partner has begun to withhold sex or give in to sex as a duty, there is something amiss in the relationship that must be addressed.

"If you can negotiate whether or not you want to sleep with the window open, you can learn to negotiate disparate sexual desires," Schwartz says. Other couples may need to pursue therapy or may even need to end the relationship.

In TV sitcoms, it's usually the woman who uses sex to manipulate her man. Schwartz finds that many women who begin to reject their role as a sexual object also begin to find sex distasteful. Although sexual desire is as natural as hunger and thirst, we have an extraordinary ability to control sex. In the older days, women didn't have other sources of power, such as money. As a result, they often called the shots sexually. Barbach notes that a woman who constantly has to ask her husband for help with housework may begin to feel helpless and used and won't feel much like making love. "After all, he's holding the power by refusing something," Barbach says. "Withholding is a very powerful position."

But, according to Patricia Pitta, a Manhasset, New York psychologist, as women have gained financial freedom and other power over areas of their lives, some men use sex to communicate strength they feel they don't otherwise possess.

Even if sexual ploys garner the desired attention or win some other battle for its perpetrator, the real problems go unsolved. Feelings of disappointment, anger, and frustration begin to take over. Sex, which should be enjoyable on a physical, emotional, and even spiritual level, is degraded.

"When you use sex as a power tool, it interferes with the pleasure and togetherness it could bring to the relationship," Pitta says. "The beauty of the sexual experience is terribly impeded."

For those who are tempted to use sex or who have felt helpless enough to use sex to gain control, it's important to stop and ask why. In many cases, couples will benefit from therapy to help them repair the relationship. This can be a good opportunity to work out many unresolved issues. Many people will find that power struggles or definitions of roles from their own families are cropping up in the relationship.

"The good news is that marital therapy is quite sophisticated these days," Schwartz said. "Couples can really transform their relationship, especially if they start early enough."

In some cases, couples have a healthy relationship, but only outside the bedroom. This can be a problem in the long-term monogamous relationship, especially for couples busy with careers and children. Fatigue, familiarity and pressure can leave them vulnerable. They may see their declining sex life as a symbol of a decline in their relationship.

"Sex sometimes becomes just something you do because you're supposed to--a habit," Schwartz says. "Despite running split shifts, a lot of people think they're supposed to feel sexual."

Therapy can also help these overcommitted, overworked couples. But for them the goal isn't so much a search for the root cause of a power struggle, but finding the time and energy to spark things up again. "The greatest challenge confronting monogamous relationships today is maintaining the sexual passion," Barbach said. "A couple needs to set aside time... making your partner and your sex life a priority."