Rekindling your romance

by Jeff Siegel

It's easy to keep the romance alive in a relationship when you're dating. It's more difficult to keep the spark burning after dating transforms into marriage. But, say several experts on marriage and relationships, it's possible to rekindle the romance without spending an abundance of time or money.

Sally Wamre knows her husband Rick appreciates her. He spends time with their two small sons, he helps out around the house, and he comes home promptly every night after work.

But sometimes, especially when you've been married for six years, appreciation isn't enough. Sometimes you have to help him find a way to channel his appreciation back into romance.

"One of the hardest things about marriage is not taking the other person for granted," says Sally, whose boys are ages five and three. "There is so much else going on, what with kids and jobs and family, that you forget to make time for the things that came naturally before you got married."

What came naturally then and what many married couples have a difficult time holding on to is communication, says Laura Lamontanaro, Psy.D., a therapist at Nassau County Medical Center in East Meadow, Long Island. When that happens, the romance goes out of a relationship as quickly and as easily as blowing out a candle.

"When you're dating, you're always talking to each other," she says. "You're listening and discussing, getting to know each other. And that's an exciting time. When you stop communicating, you not only lose sight of the romance, but the lingering resentments that can be so much trouble later on start to build up. Firing up the romance won't necessarily help if you're having problems. But it may help to prevent problems before they start."

In fact, rekindling the romance flame isn't as difficult as it seems, and doesn't necessarily mean calling the florist and ordering a dozen roses. Instead:

"All too often, says Roz Van Meter, a certified sex therapist in Dallas, men don't understand why the women in their lives don't appreciate all they do for them." After all, the men tell Van Meter, don't they change the oil and cut the grass and go to the hardware store? Doesn't that show the women that they love them?

"Not all of the time," says Van Meter, whose forthcoming book is tentatively entitled The Marriage Maintenance Manual. "Just because men think their actions show that they love their wives doesn't mean their wives get the same message. You have to send the message on the channel your honey receives on."

That means, she says, that men should try to do things for their wives that their wives like, not something that the men think their wives like. It can be as simple as renting a movie or as elaborate as going out for an elegant dinner. Says Van Meter, "A lot of men keep chugging away on the same channel, and don't ever realize that no one is watching."

It's too easy for the romance to drain out of a relationship when the two people involved barely see other. Or, when they do, they have to grope their way through the tangle of family responsibilities to get to the other person. That's why Dr. Lamontanaro recommends scheduling a date night something, incidentally, she and her husband enjoy very much.

"It doesn't have to be anything complicated," she says. "Maybe you just put on sweats and order a pizza. Just make sure that there is one night a week when the two of you are alone, sharing a common activity."

Among her date night recommendations (which don't always have to be held at night): a picnic, an after-dinner coffee, exercising or working out together, or meeting for lunch during the day. One word of warning, though. If hubby cooks dinner as a treat, he shouldn't leave the dishes for his wife to do. "You'd be surprised how often that happens," says Dr. Lamontanaro.

"Women really enjoy talking to their husbands," says Van Meter. "In some ways, it's foreplay for us." And, she asks, what better opportunity is there for talking than during an intimate evening without children, telephones, or television, enhanced by candlelight and a bottle of wine?

"You did this sort of thing when you were dating, so why not now? she asks. "You can stay up and discuss all the things you don't get a chance to talk about during the week your dream vacation, your birthday wish list, whatever strikes your fancy. You can stay up and sing songs if you want."

The idea of a slumber party, she says, does not preclude lovemaking. It's just not the most important part of the evening, which, Van Meter says, women find very appealing.

Imagine the surprise and delight on your spouse's face when he or she logs on to the computer on a particularly nasty Monday morning and discovers an E-mail love note from you. That, say the experts, is one of the little things that will add sparkle to any relationship.

"So many marriages turn into a routine," says Dr. Lamontanaro. "That means you have to find a way to put the surprise and spontaneity back into it. Again, it doesn't have to be a big deal. Little things like a note that simply says 'I love you' can create a romantic mood. Remember, you know your spouse better than anyone else. What would make him or her feel loved?

An attempt at romance, regardless of the method, will almost always benefit both parties. That's because showing that you care is one of the easiest and cost effective things you can do. "You have to remember to keep some perspective about what happens in your relationship to step back and look at it from a distance," says Dr. Lamontanaro. "That will help you preserve your commitment, and it will help you put the effort into your marriage that it deserves."

Which, after all, may be the best kind of romance.