Surviving the holidays with your children\'s grandparents

by Abbi Perets

When 39-year-old Lisa Bilbrey Hyder heard, "Do you want a taste of Grandma's dinner, sweetie?" her blood ran cold. She raced to the dinner table to find her mother-in-law feeding her six-month-old son, who had already been diagnosed with cow's milk protein intolerance, a spoonful of squash casserole, with milk, butter, eggs and pecans—all highly allergenic ingredients.

"I cried out, 'Oh, no, no!' and scooped it out of his mouth," Hyder recalls. "The rest of the evening, I was surreptitiously watching for signs of anaphylactic shock." Hardly a recipe for holiday cheer.

You may have been able to avoid spending holidays with your in-laws before you had children, but once your mother-in-law becomes your baby's grandmother, the situation is decidedly stickier. And because holidays can be stressful even under the best of circumstances, adding new mom anxiety to visits with the in-laws can easily create a disaster worse than Aunt Betty's fruitcake.

In a situation such as Hyder's in which your mother-in-law's behavior is potentially life threatening to your child, your response must be immediate, say Judith Sherven, PhD, and James Sniechowski, PhD, authors of The New Intimacy.

"Together with your husband, explain to his mother in no uncertain terms that if she wants to continue to visit, she must abide by your decisions," they recommend.

If your mother-in-law's actions are actually endangering your baby, your husband will undoubtedly back you up without hesitation. But sometimes it's "just" your ability to mother your child that's called into question.

Less than a month after her first son was born, Carrie Myers Smith, of New Hampshire, went to her in-laws' home for Thanksgiving. Her son, who had been born four weeks premature and was receiving small amounts of formula while Smith built up her milk supply, was extremely fussy, and Smith took him away from the action to nurse him in a quiet room.

"My father-in-law came in and in his 'all-knowing' way said, 'I think he should be on more formula. Our kids had formula, and they turned out okay.'" Smith was livid.

"You have to expect that your in-laws will disagree with you on just about everything you do with your baby," says Sybil Evans, author of Hot Buttons: How to Resolve Conflict and Cool Everyone Down. "There should be no surprises." She suggests that before the holidays arrive, you take some time to figure out how you'll react to the inevitable criticism.

"Imagine that you're watching a play," says Evans. "Picture your in-laws saying their piece. Envision yourself responding. Are you retreating? Frowning?" She cautions that such behavior automatically sets up an adversarial situation. Instead, Evans says, keep the "zingers" out of your conversation. Stay balanced whether it's through deep breathing, repeating a mantra, or focusing on a single point in the room and keep your remarks level.

"A woman's husband needs to support her against any violation by his parents, and vice versa," say Drs. Sherven and Sniechowski, but cut him a little slack if he doesn't always agree with you.

"If your husband sides with his mother against you, that should be a private discussion until it gets worked out you may indeed be out of line." But in public, he needs to be on your side, they say, or he is more married to his mother than he is to you.

What exactly should you say when your choices are being challenged? Bear in mind that questions starting with "why" put people on the defensive, says Rebecca Ward, author of How to Stay Married Without Going Crazy, because "being asked to explain ourselves makes us feel like children."

She recommends a straightforward response that leaves no room for argument: "I feel awkward having to explain myself and defending my choices as a mother." With an answer such as this one, Ward says, "You aren't attacking anyone. You are only talking about your own experiences, and nobody can argue with that." If your husband takes his mother's side in front of the family, says Ward, lay your feelings on the line. "Say, 'I don't feel very supported by you, and that hurts me.'"

Marla Milling, a mother from North Carolina, says that holidays with her mother-in-law means walking on eggshells.

"When we celebrate the holidays at her house, she spends the entire time telling [my children] what they can't or shouldn't do, and spends the rest of the time telling us that our children aren't progressing fast enough to suit her. She thinks there's a time limit for potty training, walking...everything," says Milling. "If she would just relax, we could have nice family holidays. But as it is, no one has a good time around her."

One solution to this problem might be to stay in a hotel, says Ward. Again, she stresses that presentation—and semantics—are crucial when stating your case.

"Don't make any judgments," she cautions. "Say, 'This is your home, and I understand that you have rules of behavior that must be followed here. I am upset when my children need to be corrected. I'm worried they'll break something—and I'm worried about the effect of their behavior on your relationship with them. I would be more comfortable if we stayed in a hotel.'" These statements, says Ward, give your mother-in-law information. She can use it as she wishes—and you can keep your glad tidings intact.

There's no reason to dread the holidays, even if you think working—or even childbirth!—is preferable to spending time with your in-laws. Put the advice offered by the experts into practice, and you may just discover that your mood goes from Grinch-like to glee.

Of course, there is one other option: "If it's easier for you to stay home for the holidays, stay home," counsels Smith. "If the grandparents want to see the baby, let them come to you."