Surviving the pink slip

by Charles Downey

Terminated. Downsized, rightsized and personnel-adjusted-and-shifted. Fired. However you say it, dealing with the loss of a job is painful.

Why does getting fired hurt a man's ego so much? "Because in our culture, men are success objects", says Patrick Williams, Ph.D., a personal and business coach in Palm Coast, Florida. "Men are defined by their jobs and the amount of money they make. It has to do with men being hunters and not gatherers. So the guy who just got downsized just lost his identity."

Everybody who is fired goes through the same initial stages—disbelief, denial, anger, acceptance, and coping—in much the same manner as patients who are handed a fatal diagnosis or relatives told of the death of a loved one.

As humans, we do much better with change when we ourselves initiate the changes. According to Dr. Williams, studies reveal that when new circumstances are thrust upon us, extreme anger can result. Men, in particular, are frustrated by loss of control and security, as evidenced by the increased number of workplace shooting sprees that occur after company layoffs.

If you do lose your job, you can successfully channel your anger into positive action. "If you're fired, don't go on vacation first," says Andrew DuBrin, industrial psychologist and professor of management at Rochester Institute of Technology in Rochester, New York. "Take just a few days off to get over the emotional hurt and calm down so you can act rationally. Then, immediately start looking for another job."

Experts say you can regain your footing—and work through some disbelief, denial and anger—by joining support groups to talk about the firing with pals, or a job-hunting or networking group.

Don't be embarrassed or afraid to talk about down periods, because most partners want you to share your feelings. "What you need most is a listening ear and maybe an occasional reminder of what is going well in your life," says Dr. Williams. "Remember, it is a grief process."

Experts say that it's important to work through all the stages lest you become mired in one. The man who continually rants and fumes about the stupidity of his former employer is stuck in anger and won't make much progress.

You may fear being seen as weak and unable to cope. Keep reminding yourself that the firing was most likely due to shrinking budgets and a tight economy, and not the result of your incompetence. It's also difficult for many men to ask for help carrying more of the financial load and having to cut the high-ticket, enjoyable extras from the family budget. Additionally, many relationships in time of stress are strengthened...or totally dissolved.

According to Dr. Williams, "One of the silver linings in any crisis situation is that it creates a window of opportunity." Remember the old saying that "another door opens when one is shut." Once some of the hurt has dissipated, start to ask yourself how you can create a more compelling future.

Do you want to make more money? Be famous? Live out your passion and dreams, create a business, buy a franchise, or perhaps simplify your lifestyle and move to a community that it is less expensive? "A couple who owns a $400,000 house in San Francisco may have more options than they realize if they want to think about leaving the city," says Dr. Williams.

Or maybe you just want to find another company and continue doing the same job. Consider these (true) scenarios:

One self-described corporate 'slave' in the computer field recognized that the downsizing heading his way would result in elimination of his job. He arranged a deal whereby he could consult part-time. His overall goal was to spend more time with his kids and give up late evenings and weekends at the office. He had a lot of experience doing remodeling and went on to get his contractor's license. He now builds homes, shopping centers, and other structures. In addition to being outdoors all day, he is in complete charge of his own time.

A Texas man had been with his firm for many years when the company announced it was moving east. Rather than uproot his family, he became a freelance human relations and service director for smaller firms in the area where he had always lived.

"Whenever you are fired, your full-time job then becomes finding another job, says Dr. DuBrin. "A good rule of thumb for job hunting is to spend one month looking for each $10,000 worth of salary you expect." Because most jobs are filled through word of mouth, personal contact, and referrals, you should network as much as possible. You can do that by joining trade associations and sending personal notes to everybody you know who can help. Just send a little note with your resume, saying you are back in the job market," says Dr. DuBrin. Don't overlook the traditional routes: newspaper ads, employment agencies, and executive recruiters (head hunters).

Your job hunt should be a 40-hour per week endeavor conducted from your own office—even if the space serves as a bedroom after hours. Here are a few guidelines:

Give yourself some space on the weekends. Participate in activities that give you pleasure. You need the break from thinking depressing thoughts, and you'll be in a better frame of mind if you're able to maintain some degree of normalcy, including doing the things you enjoy.

If you have children, share what's going on with them. While kids are scared of what they don't know or surmise on their own, they will surprise you by their quiet support once they know the truth.

Be good to yourself. Yes, you're depressed. And yes, you're angry. But more importantly, you're still you. You have skills, talents, abilities—all of which will be put to good use very soon. In the meantime, relax.

Be productive. In addition to job hunting, use the time off to clean out the basement, bone up on the local and national sports scene, rent some movies, or spend time with your family. If money is an issue, frequent places that are low cost or free—zoos, public libraries, museums, and movie matinees.

Visit with friends. Socialization is an important part of the recovery process—sitting home alone in the dark is not only counterproductive, but depressing. And a depressed, negative attitude is guaranteed to thwart your job-hunting efforts.