If a woman has lowered sexual desire, there's a lot she and her partner can do to bring it back.
Loss of sexual desire in both men and women is a major and common problem in relationships. While much has been made recently about men's sexual desire and dysfunction (i.e., Viagra), women suffer from low desire, too.
Varying levels of libido
Everyone has a baseline level of sexual desire, or libido. This level varies greatly between people, and even changes within the same person at various times. Libido can be affected by several factors, including stress, anxiety, and depression. Low desire can sometimes persist long enough to cause problems in a relationship.
A common problem for women
Loss of sexual desire is considered to be the most common female sexual dysfunction and is often the most difficult to treat. The American Psychiatric Association calls it "hypoactive sexual desire disorder" and, in severe cases, "sexual aversion disorder." The most severe form is called "sexual anorexia" and is thoroughly described by Patrick Carnes, PhD, in his recent book Sexual Anorexia.
Loss of desire can be caused by physical or psychological factors. Treatment is most likely to be effective when the specific cause is determined.
Hormonal changes
The hormonal changes that occur during different life stages are common physical causes of waning desire. Such changes can be brought on by premenstrual syndrome, menopause, and the postnatal period. Desire can also be lowered after a hysterectomy.
Medications
Certain medications may cause lowered desire. Some of these drugs include some cancer drugs, tamoxifen, some oral contraceptives, narcotics, sedatives, stimulants, and antidepressants.
Alcohol
Although alcohol can reduce sexual inhibitions and sometimes provide a short-term increase in desire, its overall effect, especially when consumed chronically or in excess, is to reduce desire.
Illness
Several illnesses can reduce desire, including:
- Gynecological or urologic disorders
- Stress
- Fatigue
- Depression
- Chronic anxiety
- Neurologic conditions
- Psychiatric disorders
Mental and emotional causes
In addition to physical causes, psychological factors can play a role, too.
Problems in a relationship can sometimes cause diminished desire.
Too many roles
Women often wear play the varied roles of professional, wife, mother, daughter,
friend, and lover. Often, the role of lover decreases as those of wife, worker,
or mother increase and require more time and energy. Men need to recognize and
understand this.
Women with decreased desire often feel guilty and have diminished self-worth.
Sex becomes an obligation for them. This unfulfilling situation perpetuates
itself, and performance anxiety often begins, further decreasing the joy of, and
desire for, sex. Over time, sex performed for the wrong reasons will diminish
desire.
Sexual anorexia
Sexual anorexia is less common than the problems of roles and relationships.
According to Dr. Carnes it is an obsessive state in which the physical, mental
or emotional task of avoiding sex dominates one's life. It is similar to the
eating disorders anorexia nervosa and bulimia, and is often associated with
them.
Characteristics of this condition include fear of sexual pleasure and sexual
encounters, distortion of body appearance, extreme loathing of bodily functions,
rigid, judgmental attitudes about the sex lives of others, and avoidance of
intimacy.
Sexual anorexia is a complex psychological problem and requires professional
treatment.
How men can help the women they love
In his book What Wives Wish Husbands Knew About Women, James Dobson, PhD,
presents five ways that men can help their spouses or partners regain desire
that has waned:
Pay more attention to the romantic element of the relationship. If
romance is gone, sexual desire cannot be far behind. Dr. Dobson writes: "If I
had the power to communicate only one message to every family in America, I
would specify the importance of romantic love to every aspect of feminine
existence. It provides the foundation for a woman's self-esteem, her joy in
living, and her sexual responsiveness. Therefore, the vast number of men who are
involved in bored, tired marriages and find themselves locked out of the bedroom
should know where the trouble possibly lies. Real love can melt an iceberg."
Realize that a woman does not need to experience an orgasm every time to
enjoy sex. A man should not demand that a woman achieve orgasm, or
insist that it occur simultaneously with his.
Reverse the trend toward "pressurized silence." If sex is absent
or unfulfilling, refusing to talk openly about it just increases anxiety in
women and further decreases desire.
Pay attention to the geography and techniques of sex. Wait for the
right time, the right place, and the right circumstances. Use some creativity.
Respect fatigue in women, and try to help reduce it. Sex should
not be merely the last item of the day's "to do" list.
Finding the cause
Resolving problems of desire begins with identifying the cause. If a physical
cause is suspected, a woman should discuss it with her gynecologist openly and
frankly.
If a physical caused is ruled out, then the cause may be emotional or with the
relationship. Talking to a counselor or sex therapist can help couples work
through the relationship or psychological problems.